Are You Mad About Hunter Biden's Pardon? LOL, Get A Fucking Life

If that's what you're crying about today, you're an idiot.

Democracy did not die in November of 2024 but the assholes have their knives out and it's up to us to keep them from their bloody work. Despair and surrender are what they want. Resistance is what they’ll get. Stay strong. We beat the fascists once and we’ll fucking do it again.

The Opinionated Ogre Black Friday Holiday Sale has been extended! Save 50% off of a one-year subscription!

I’m going to say it upfront: I don’t really care about Hunter Biden. Not really. He went through some brutal stuff as a kid and it left him damaged. He grew up and turned to drugs and alcohol. OK, sure. People do that. As someone who also went through some brutal stuff as a kid and didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol, I’m not overly sympathetic but I get it. It’s a thing that happens.

On the other hand, I do care when people who should have received a slap on the wrist have the book thrown at them for purely political reasons while other people who should be in prison for the rest of their lives get a hand job in public from the justice system and then are reelected as president.

So am I mad that Joe Biden pardoned his son? No. And, seriously, if you’re complaining about it, go fuck yourself.

Of course the New York fucking Times is crying about it.

Allow me to present my argument in three parts:

1. The charges were always bullshit: Tax evasion? Are you shitting me? No one goes to jail for tax evasion unless they fight the charges like a moron and lose. That’s what happened to Wesley Snipes. He could have paid what he owed and made three more Blade movies. But nooooooo! He listened to very stupid people around him and they got his ass sent to jail.

   
   The IRS does not want to send people to jail. They don’t really care why you didn’t pay. Was it on purpose? Were you a 19-year-old idiot who had no idea how to fill out your own taxes and never ever did it again after being audited?¹ They don’t give a shit. They just want the money you owe. If you pay it, they leave you alone.
   
   We know this because the IRS has clawed back over a billion dollars from rich tax cheats and not one of them has gone to jail.
   

   The IRS Clawed Back One BILLION Dollars From Rich Assholes

   The IRS. Does. Not. Care. Biden paid the money back. So why press charges and send him to jail? Literally to prove he wasn’t getting special treatment. But sending someone to prison solely to prove the DoJ isn’t political is, itself, political.
   
   ”But what about the gun charge?!” you say? The gun charge that is so rarely a standalone charge that criminal court analysts kept saying, “Uhhhhh…that’s odd. No one is ever charged with that crime except as part of another crime.” THAT gun charge? Again, if you have to do go out on a limb to prove you’re not being political, you are being overtly political.
   
   I’m not saying Hunter Biden is an innocent lamb. The boy’s a (recovering) crackhead. But if his last name was not “Biden,” he would not have been facing decades in prison. Those are just facts.

2. Is the pardon power…not great? Sure. Has it been abused? Absolutely! Is this one of those times? Oh, shut the fuck up.
   
   No, really, if this even makes it into your top 100 misuses of the pardon power, go outside and touch some grass.
   
   I was going to list a bunch of really obvious abuses of the pardon power from Ronald Reagan pardoning his co-conspirators in the Iran-Contra treason scandal to Donald Trump doing literally the same thing to keep his coconspirators from talking.
   
   But you know what? If you know so much about the history of the pardon and all the ways it’s been misused, you should know all of that and you don’t need me to tell you that Hunter Biden’s pardon is the smallest of small potatoes. If you don’t know the history of pardons and you’re still outraged, maybe fucking educate yourself first before flapping your piehole. And stop reading the fucking legacy media telling you how outrageous and disappointing this is. Fuck them and fuck you.
   

   Did you know the Opinionated Ogre has a weekly podcast? It’s true! New episodes every Wednesday! Catch the latest episode here:

3. Finally, we are 7 weeks away from a fascist taking power: Trump is going to abuse every single lever of power, including the pardon, in ways you have yet to even imagine, much less begin to comprehend. THIS is what you’re going to focus on? This penny ante bullshit? Get your fucking priorities straight, man.
   
   Trump is going to order people to commit serious crimes and then pardon them on the spot. Once his cronies in the government realize they’re absolutely free from all legal liability, what do you think they’re going to do? Show some self-restraint? Or burn everything to the ground like they’ve been wanting to do for decades?

   
   But you’re going to cry over Hunter who gives a shit Biden? Jesus fucking Christ. Stop chasing the shiny object and get your fucking head in the game. We have a lot of work to do and we don’t have time for this.

Just as a side note: Dear legacy press - when you use this pardon to excuse everything Trump is about to do (and I can see that coming a mile away), please know that we see you and we know what you are doing.

I’ll bet a shiny nickel this becomes the common wisdom of the legacy press.

Right, because Trump didn’t already pardon people for money and to protect himself during his first term. Because we don’t all see you erasing his crimes from 2017 to 2021 as if they never happened. Because you think we’re fucking stupid.

Because we all don’t know you will do anything to shift the blame from Republicans to Democrats as you always do. In your eyes, the GOP has no agency. Nothing is ever their fault. They were always forced to do the cruel and evil and illegal things they do by Democrats so we can’t hold them accountable. Ever.

And this is why no one should ever listen to a word you say again. You are complicit. You’re collaborators. You put your profits before democracy. Fuck off forever.

There are 336 days until the first Blue Wave and it starts in Virginia, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania.

I hope you feel better informed about the world and ready to kick fascists in the teeth to protect it. This newsletter exists because of you, so please consider becoming a supporting subscriber today for only $5 a month or just $50 a year. Thank you for everything!

Ho-Ho-Hold my beer! There’s a Nazi to punch! Subscribe today and get 50% off for a whole year! And then celebrate punching Nazis!

1. This is 100% not a self-insert. *cough*