Excuse Me While I Savor The Panic Of Wall Street Assholes
It's so delicious and sweet, I don't know if my blood sugar can handle it...
I woke up Wednesday morning anticipating a glorious day of meltdowns from the right and legacy press and Democrats who should fucking know better. And I did, indeed, get that. They’re all very VERY concerned that SOMEHOW, a disgraced sexual predator who ran a shitty Trump-style campaign didn’t win the race to be the next mayor of New York City.
But on top of that delicious pile of “go fuck yourself” was the most exquisite sauce imaginable: The sweet panicked tears of Wall Street. My God, do I even have a spoon big enough to shove it all in my mouth?
These are dark times but I will continue to tell the stories you need to hear in a clear (and usually profane) voice. If I entertain/anger/inform you, preferably all three, please consider becoming a supporting subscriber today for only $5 a month or just $50 a year.
Please allow me to elaborate and bring joy to your day:
My immediate reaction was as follows:
My internal monologue STILL hasn’t stopped giggling, and I’m fairly sure I was chuckling in my sleep. My cat was looking at me oddly this morning…
On Wednesday morning, the world’s epicenter of capitalism woke up to find it might soon have a socialist mayor.
Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani’s stunning win over former Gov. Andrew Cuomo in the New York City Democratic primary for mayor shocked Wall Street. Some of the world’s most influential and powerful financiers were left grasping to understand what Mamdani’s victory would mean for their industry—and whether they would leave the city.
Grab your tiny violin and let us all play the world’s saddest song for rich assholes:🎻 Truly, their struggles are incomprehensible to us Poors.
Why, exactly, are they so terrified of this monster?
Mamdani’s platform includes increasing taxes on those making more than $1 million a year. He has said he would make the city more affordable by freezing rents on rent-stabilized apartments, investing $70 billion in publicly subsidized housing, providing free bus service and opening government-operated grocery stores.
Le gasp! But it gets worse!!!
My fucking god. It’s anarchy! Absolute anarchy!!!! Baby baskets? BABY BASKETS?! Those are a Finnish innovation from a century ago that decreases infant mortality and makes the lives of new mothers easier by providing them with most of what they need for a newborn in the first couple of weeks of life. And this commie hippie crunchy granola weirdo wants to give them out all willy-nilly?!
This is the United States of America, buddy! We’re pro-life! What part of that do you not understand?! We don’t give a shit what happens to the baby AFTER it’s born!
Did you know the Opinionated Ogre has a weekly podcast? It’s true! New episodes every Thursday! Catch the latest episode here:
It gets sooooo much worse! Mamdani wants free buses, city-owned grocery stores, and…more libraries!!!!
If you’re wondering what the grocery store thing is about, there are a lot of food deserts in NYC, areas where there simply are no grocery stores available to shop at for miles. Having to take a bus or train 20, 30, or more minutes to buy fresh food is insane if you don’t live in a rural community. City-owned stores would operate in areas deemed “not profitable” by big companies and provide the healthy food people need. It would reduce poor health outcomes, lower costs, and generally make areas more viable for the residents.
Truly, an insidious plan to…destroy the city? I don’t know the details of Mamdani’s nefarious plan, but I’m pretty sure it ends with all of us swearing allegiance to Stalin.
Here’s my favorite part of the rich asshole nervous breakdown:
There were renewed questions about whether Wall Street executives would stay in New York or if Mamdani’s plans for the city would send more financiers to states such as Florida and Texas. Some executives cited concerns about taxes and crime under a potential Mamdani administration as well as fears of rising antisemitism.
Sander Gerber, chief executive of investment firm Hudson Bay Capital, said he fielded texts from some of his 170 employees who said they were “thinking of leaving.”
Some developers and landlords said they are already making plans to exit New York and focus on more business-friendly markets like Miami, Dallas or Nashville.
Don’t threaten me with a good time, yeah?
It’s really important to understand that all of these people are rip-roaring mad because they’re going to be expected to pay more money. Not one of them believes, for a fucking second, that they will be driven out of business or reduced to poverty. They know, for a fact, that they will still be billionaires and millionaires four to eight years from now.
What they’re panicking about, really deep down in their bones, is that there will be a mayor in America’s largest, most populous, richest city who says loudly, and constantly, “Hey, the rich aren’t paying their fair share. We need to fix that and then this city will be affordable for the rest of us again.”
There’s a reason Occupy Wall Street made the rich and powerful spiral into violent overreaction. This is 1000 times worse. This is Occupy Wall Street in Gracie Mansion. This time, the rich and powerful can’t send the cops to beat the dirty hippies up. The dirty hippie is in charge of the city, and he’s going to be very popular with the public when he rolls out his policies.
The only people who legitimately need to worry are the landlords. And I don’t mean the ones who own one or two units. I mean the parasites that own hundreds of homes and make housing unaffordable because they gobbled it all up after every housing bubble collapse. I’ll bet a nickel that Mamdani is going to come for them and he’s not going to be very nice about it.
Cry me a fucking river.
For their part, establishment Democrats need to get over themselves. They’re trapped in the mentality of “We don’t do things that way. It’s just not proper.” Fuck proper. Do what works, and if that makes Republicans and the press cry? Who gives a shit? Is it working? Is it making life better for the average American? Then fucking do it and punch Nazis in the face to get them out of the way so you can keep doing it. Worry about norms and tradition after the Nazis are in prison or swinging from the gallows for treason.
Now, how much Mamdani will accomplish in the next four years is an open question. Fox News is already whipping the right into a blind rage over COMMUNISM!!!! The GOP intends to make Mamdani the new face of the Democratic Party, a wild-eyed commie Mulsim blablabla. Their whole “AOC is the devil” schtick has grown stale, so they need someone new with brown skin to terrorize the rubes.
The legacy press, it appears, is going to despise Mamdani for the same reason they despised Biden: He’s a threat to the status quo. It’s permissible for Republicans to rewrite the economy to the benefit of the rich. Strip trillions from the working and middle class to lard onto billionaire bank accounts? Go for it! That’s a day ending in “Y” in America.
But to rewrite the economy in America’s most powerful city to work for everyone? To lower the cost of living? To improve schools? To make things better for the average New Yorker? That ruins the narrative of “inevitable decline” the legacy press and GOP thrive on. That threatens to show the public that things can work just fine if the rich stop stealing everything and pay what they owe.
It’s what Joe Biden was doing and it’s why they destroyed him. It’s why they’re STILL destroying him.
And so the press coverage of Mamdani will be relentlessly negative no matter what he does. Mamdani is inexperienced, so maybe he’ll be terrible. But maybe he won’t. He cannot possibly be worse than Eric Adams, who was corrupt, a clown, and just very bad at his job. Mamdani’s best hope is to pick a staff aligned with his views who know how to get things done and push to get other like-minded people elected throughout the city. Good luck, buddy. A lot of billionaires are really mad you want them to pay more taxes.
Just as an aside, pay attention to all of the people who demand to know how Mamdani plans to pay for his policies. As someone on Substack pointed out, Cuomo planned to cut taxes to the rich and hire 5,000 more cops at a cost of hundreds of millions of dollars. No one ever once asked him how he planned to pay for that. Same as it ever was.
Until November’s election, I’m going to both enjoy the ongoing meltdown of the greedy rich assholes on Wall Street who have fucked us all so many times facing the horrific prospect of paying, what?, 10% more in taxes on the hundreds of millions they’ve stolen? Boo hoo, baby.
At the same time, I’m going to be livid at how the legacy press moves heaven and earth to cost Mamdani the election. They would rather have a racist MAGA moron like Curtis Silwa, the wannabe vigilante, be mayor than a filthy socialist. It’s not going to happen, but, oh boy, are they going to try.
I don’t live in NYC anymore, and I haven’t in over a decade, so I’m not particularly attached to the city. Nice to visit every now and then but no desire whatsoever to return. But I’m going to pay attention to Mamdani for the rest of this election and, if he wins, for the next four years. I feel like he’s a microcosm of the Democratic Party. Not that we’re suddenly going to swing to, GASP, socialism! all at once, but that younger, unapologetically progressive faces are going to start to win and all the worst people are going to cry big sobby tears about how oppressed they are. And then use every ounce of their considerable power to destroy the upstarts.
They’ll ultimately fail, but it’s going to be funny/infuriating to watch.
The legacy media has abandoned us in favor of sucking up to oligarchs and fascism. Find voices you trust (other than me) and subscribe where you can. Independent voices like the Opinionated Ogre will be needed in the coming days, and we require your support. This newsletter is free, but for $5 a month or just $50 a year, you can keep the lights on.
Fascism hates organized protests. They fear the public. They fear US. Make fascists afraid again by joining Indivisible or 50501 and show them whose fucking country this is!
The Blue Wave has begun and the fascist fucks are scared. There are 130 days until it hits Virginia and Pennsylvania. If I were a billionaire fascist loser, I’d think REALLY hard about getting out of the way.
do all these naysayers realize how effectively they're elevating Mamdani's political stature before he's even won the upcoming election? I surely hope not... they may smear him all the way to the presidency 🍸
Fox's meltdown the other night was glorious. It was like their freakout when they first called the 2008 election for Obama.
Mamdami's primary victory should give Democrats fuel to be unapologetically themselves in the upcoming elections. Would an AOC or Mamdami win statewide in, say, Iowa or North Carolina? No. But Mamdami talked about affordability, cost of living, et al. He refused to let Republicans fear monger about immigrants and trans people by talking about topics that affected EVERYONE.
Hammer the GOP on cost of living, affordability and chaos wrought by the FDJT regime. That's how we win next year's midterms and this year's fall elections.